There is something I want to get off my chest. Being that I generally
have a hard time opening up about my fears and insecurities, I thought this
would be a safe medium for me to express my anxious thoughts. It’s impossible
to not sound dramatic when I say this, but I’m in a bit of a crisis in my life,
more specifically I’d like to call it the “quarter-life crisis”. I’ve been
feeling extremely lost and confused about what my long-term life plans are and
have felt this way for a long time now. Ever since freshman year of college, I
worried about the unforeseeable future, and not knowing where I see myself 5,
10, or even 15 years down the line. I kept these flustering thoughts in the
back of my head, and every once in a while, they would creep up on me and make me
go into moments of panic and stress. But I reminded myself that I
was in college, a place where people grow and find themselves, and where great
opportunities are just around the corner. I convinced myself I had plenty of
time to experience new things and discover my passion, so I chose not to dwell
on the gloomy subject and made the best out of every moment in college. Being
the stubborn optimist that I am, I said to myself that things would have a way
of working themselves out and when the timing is right, I’ll have it figured
out. Now three years later and only a few months away from my college
graduation, I am in the exact same predicament as I was when I first started
college; lost and confused, and haven’t the slightest clue about what I want to
do with my life.
Being
a soon-to-be college grad means I get asked countless questions about my plans
after graduation. What are you going to
do after graduating? What sort of jobs are you looking into? Will you be living
at home with your parents? My insides turn a little every time I think
about my responses to these questions, because it reminds me of how close I am
to going out into the real world. I admit that I’m the non-confrontational type;
I tend to avoid conflicts and run away from my problems. When I sense trouble
ahead, I either look the other way or find a way to avoid it. It’s not a
healthy thing to do, but it’s what I’ve always done. So when these questions
arise from time to time, I would feel apprehensive about my so-called crisis
for a few days, and let myself be distracted by the daily things in my life. It
wasn't until a couple of days ago that I realized the reason I've been feeling
so down lately is that I’m emotionally unprepared for the next chapter of my
life. I'm at such a crucial point in my life, yet I feel completely and utterly
lost. Since I’ve been avoiding to address this crisis of mine, it’s affected my
mood, which brings me back to finding an outlet to getting these uneasy
feelings off my chest.
For
someone who doesn't like to focus on the negatives and is rarely ever upset
for more than ten minutes, it’s hard for me to talk about such a nerve-wracking
topic. Part of me was reluctant to share, because putting my feelings into
words made it all seem too real and too scary for me to grasp. I have the
Internet to thank for giving me the courage to write about my anxious thoughts, as
it all started when I was going through my long feed of blog posts the other
day. I stumbled across a somewhat vague, yet relatable post from Christine, a
Youtuber whom I've followed for a while now. In a rather personal post, she wrote
about some of the things I myself have been facing, such as being at crossroads
in life, and being distracted by our daily routine that we often forget to look
at the bigger picture. Reading her "predicament" surprised me in
a good way because her words were so raw and touched me on a personal level, thus revealing a sense of realness
that made it easy for me to relate to. Though I’ve only known her on the
Youtube front and admired her work from afar, reading her thoughts and feelings reminded me that we’re not so different, as we are all trying to find our
places in life.
Coincidentally,
within the same week, I was watching Youtuber Ingrid Nilsen’s March Favorite’s
video, where she asked a powerful question: “Who are you?” As soon as I heard
it, dots were connecting in my head and these three simple words had brought up
all the unwanted emotions that I was trying hard to avoid. So many different
answers can come from this short question, and I have no doubt each comes with a compelling story to tell. To answer the question "Who are you": I am a confused 21 year old, who will soon be
graduating from college, and I feel hopelessly lost about what I want to do for
the rest of my life. I’m the kind of person who holds onto every bit of that
childlike wonder, and is always looking on the bright side. I tell myself to
worry less, and do more as I try to find a place where I truly belong,
both personally and professionally.
As
if the blog post and the video weren’t clear enough signs from the universe
telling me to face my problem, the day after, the post titled “I’m graduating
college and I am absolutely terrified” from HelloGiggles popped up on my blog
feed. From being this close to
finishing a full-time education to feeling uncertain about the future, it’s
like the writer read my mind and voiced all the thoughts that have been taking over in my head. This leads me to talk about my own version of how I feel about
graduating college, which throws me right into my quarter-life crisis. Each day
that passes puts me closer to going out into the real world, and boy, am I
terrified. Aside from friends and family asking about my post-graduation
plans, I constantly have my own set of questions going through my
head. What am I going to do after I
graduate? Am I going to have to move back home? How am I going to pay back my student
loans? Then my optimistic self would come in and I would tell myself it’s
okay to feel this way, and that everything will work out in the end. Of course, then I revert to my anxious state, and blame myself for being such a
disappointment to my parents. It’s an endless cycle that always leaves me
feeling torn, confused, frustrated.
I
think the root to my quarter-life crisis is that I have been so accustomed to
holding onto my identity as a student that I am unsure of what my next role
will be, causing major anxiety. We all take on roles in this world. Whether
you’re a mother, athlete, or entertainer, we belong to a category that has a
set of pre-wired social standards. I’ve been raised with the idea that
occupation defines us and shapes the path we go on. The thought of having to
figure out what I plan to do for the rest of my life, and the possibility of
being defined by the career path that I choose to take, is seriously
terrifying. All my life I’ve spent in school and have done what has been
expected from me, there were always assignments to complete and deadlines to
meet in school. Frankly, I thought that as long as I did my work and played my role of a good student, I would be on the right track. Clearly, it’s not so simple. In my four years of college and living on my
own, I’ve learned that life is a journey, filled with many trials and
obstacles. In every challenge that we face, we become a little wiser and better
at figuring out how this life thing works.
As
I look back on Christine’s post, listen to Ingrid’s answer to the question “who
are you”, and bring up the bookmarked article on graduating college, I realize
that I’m not alone in this. Like Maya Angelou once said, “We are more alike, my friends, than we are unalike.” Everyone is
on a different path, but ultimately I think we are all searching for the same
things, and trying to find our place in this world. Though I’m being pulled in
all directions in terms of my future plans, I understand that it’s a process I have
to go through. My journey has only begun, and being the true optimist that I am, I know that the bad, the good,
and everything in between that come my way will shape me into the person I want
to be in the future.
Source:
Via Xteeener
Via Youtube
Via HelloGiggles
